More Feedback Please
When I posted my prospective hymn submission two weeks ago, several of you provided helpful feedback that pointed out a few weak spots in the poem (thank you!). I'd be grateful for similarly constructive criticism of this draft:
Be Fruitful
At birth each spirit fin'lly gains
The body it will need
To sit upon our Parents' thrones
And act as God in deed;
But gender is eternal, not
A random circumstance:
Our mortal roles were foreordained,
Not left to genes or chance.
On earth we seek a spouse who lifts
Us up, a true helpmate
Without whom we cannot progress
To God's celestial state.
For men and women cannot be
Exalted while apart;
Our better halves must complement
And help perfect each heart.
That marriage was ordained in heav'n
The scriptures make it plain--
Where Adam, Eve and God all join
To make one flesh of twain.
As equal partners husbands, wives
Must learn to do God's will:
And His command to multiply
Remains effective still.
Be Fruitful
At birth each spirit fin'lly gains
The body it will need
To sit upon our Parents' thrones
And act as God in deed;
But gender is eternal, not
A random circumstance:
Our mortal roles were foreordained,
Not left to genes or chance.
On earth we seek a spouse who lifts
Us up, a true helpmate
Without whom we cannot progress
To God's celestial state.
For men and women cannot be
Exalted while apart;
Our better halves must complement
And help perfect each heart.
That marriage was ordained in heav'n
The scriptures make it plain--
Where Adam, Eve and God all join
To make one flesh of twain.
As equal partners husbands, wives
Must learn to do God's will:
And His command to multiply
Remains effective still.
Comments
Jake