Sunday, December 7, 2008

More Feedback Please

When I posted my prospective hymn submission two weeks ago, several of you provided helpful feedback that pointed out a few weak spots in the poem (thank you!). I'd be grateful for similarly constructive criticism of this draft:

Be Fruitful

At birth each spirit fin'lly gains
The body it will need
To sit upon our Parents' thrones
And act as God in deed;
But gender is eternal, not
A random circumstance:
Our mortal roles were foreordained,
Not left to genes or chance.

On earth we seek a spouse who lifts
Us up, a true helpmate
Without whom we cannot progress
To God's celestial state.
For men and women cannot be
Exalted while apart;
Our better halves must complement
And help perfect each heart.

That marriage was ordained in heav'n
The scriptures make it plain--
Where Adam, Eve and God all join
To make one flesh of twain.
As equal partners husbands, wives
Must learn to do God's will:
And His command to multiply
Remains effective still.


Becky said...

I think it's wonderful. Who are you going to get to write the music?

Jake said...

You have done a great job. Have you picked a melody? Hope all is going well with your family.

The Coopers said...

I love it Zsa-Zsa...its beautiful...I cant wait to hear it put to music.